Dear other,
There is so much to not talk about my year 2015, yet I force myself to put it down for sake of a ritual or training of summarizing everything and compiling stuff in a compact manner to declare an imaginary end of some episode that only we think was worth compiling of.
Does it make any sense? Never thought about it, right? Because what matters generally is to DO, not to STOP and waste your time in this 'FAST LIFE'.
With due respect to 'JUST DO IT!', I preferred not to 'just do it' but to rather question everything that we want to do and get away with.
Thus I ended up living one whole year with no plans and no targets. I took the path least traveled. A path I wanted everyone around me to travel except me to find the jewel of love. Yes, the path that leads to MY HEART! (Sounds cheesy)
I was so heart broken to realize that no one really understands me and loves me. They fail to reach the depths of me so they misunderstand me all the time. I tried to explain why I did what I did more than I was asked for. I tried to seek justification for all that seemed unjust to me. I blamed all possible people, society and whoever seemed to have power for being unfair to me and others like me. VICTIMS! Ah! How distant it all seems after this one whole year of travelling. I have left it all far behind me now. But it is important to mark that start line somewhere to actually realize and celebrate the movement. Yes it is indeed all about the move.
So I did take a plunge inside and fell on my face in deep shit :) Obviously it was not so pleasant for anyone to stand there for even a while. No wonder people got pissed off with me when they came closer to me. Now I know why they did what they did. Congratulations to myself! One big mystery solved.
Now what? I just created some more pile of guilt to crush me down in a suicidal move, hoping that it will end this vicious cycle. But, then what was it that I wanted to kill really? Is it really the body or the mind? What if mind lives beyond the body? Is mind the real problem? If yes then what is the solution?
Good question. And this was just the beginning of asking such really good questions to myself. There was no hurry to answer or to even care what the answer was. It was an alien territory for me already. Very different from the world outside and quite overwhelming too. So I decided to take it easy.
One question at a time. This was not a test even though it seemed to be. It was a wonderful process of feeling my heart beat, experiencing the shiver throughout the body as deep as unknown and the urge to hold on to something for I was no more grounded by gravity inside me. I was thrown into the space of nothing. All I had which i could call mine was just a memory. Memory of being someone, something with respect to something else and someone else. I was nothing even in my memory without the other. This is how important 'THE OTHER' is.
The other is the only thing that makes me me. Gives me gravity. Pulls me down and makes me stand. Helps me to look at and speak to. The other is all I have to be myself.
Does it make any sense? It did a lot to me this year.
This year, I met myself thanks to you.
I love you.
